River of Regret
by Ms.M
Summary: Post Ep-Full Disclosure. When a friend comes back CJ finds herself making a confession.


River of Regret 

Post Episode—Full Disclosure.

In Judaism we fast on Yom Kipper to cleanse our body of sins. After the day is over we toss, break crumbs for example, our regret and sin's off into the water. In Wendy Wasserstein's An American Daughter one of her character does this at the Potomac.

"Did he take advantage of you?" The sweet voice asked in the darkness.

"No. No more than I took advantage of him. He couldn't have known. Could he? I was vulnerable. Not at all confident." Tears begin to fill her lids. "I was weak."

"I can't see that?," he mused.

"I was. I had just broken up with Ben--the second time--it wasn't working.  We tried it again—but it just wasn't…..He was my first real boyfriend, my first full relationship-- it was hard. I was hard on myself. My job was terrible. I just wasn't happy. I was doing good things, but I wasn't happy. Emily's list was about to go away and I couldn't keep it going—I knew I couldn't." She paused. "

Men don't flirt with me—well at least back then—I think it's a confidence thing—they see it. I try to be funny and in your face but I wasn't as good at it as I was--am now—wasn't able to take away the sadness as much--- fall into patterns from High-School."

"The prettiest saddest girl from Dayton." Ran into her head.

"Men flirt with you," the voice insisted seeming to know from personal experience.

"Not so much back than." She laughed as the snuffed back her tears. " Yeah, sure they might smile or say something nice, once they got to know me—I grew up with all boys, my mother died before I reached my teens, I was too tall for any of the boys my age and I was alone a lot. I don't take it back. It's made me the self-effacing person I am today. I like me. I like me. I'm just going back into old patterns—got to stop-- got to stop." She let out a cry. "I regret that moment so much more than any moment in my life—if I could take back one moment it would be getting on that elevator. It's not like me. I don't know what I did it. It was so out of character."

"People do things out of character all the time. It's called being human. Don't beat yourself up."

"And yet I do," she bemused. "My stomach turns when I think about it and I get sick to my stomach. For so many reasons. "

"Had you been drinking?" He asked concerned.

"A little? I ran into him in the hotel bar—but that's not an excuse. I can drink. I can drink one drink, even two and have my wits. I had my wits." She paused. "I use to think woman like that—I knew he was married—he never told me, but I knew he was married. How could I not?" She saw him in her head. "He was so calculated, so—in my face—he put his hand on my leg and it felt good. I pulled away pretending It didn't happen, yet next thing I knew I was on that elevator. "

"You were vulnerable and he knew it," he caressed her with his words.

"No, he didn't. He just saw a woman and he took her, like all the other woman.

I thought for so long I had done this—Vulnerable, not vulnerable it didn't matter—but he knew I wasn't use to it. The way he came on to me? He took my awkwardness with men to his advantage. But that's my fault." She lowered her head.

"Don't do this—," he tried to end it.

"I had a feeling but I shook it off—if there had been more women it would have----he wasn't like that—it was me." She paused. "I was in denial to keep the regret inside." She paused again. "I even tried to hold it back--- when I found out about Helen Baldwin, but I knew. I knew-- I did it. Me, out of my own thoughts, and mind, and soul, and if I could erase it from my mind, I would, but I can't. I just can't."

CJ turned to face Danny and see saw his face looking longingly at her.

"You done?" He would let her talk as long as she wanted, but stopping would stop her pain.

"I think so," she whipped the tears away. "I don't know why that all came out. I haven't even told Ben."

"I have that way with people. It is my job."

"Yeah," she laughed and if only it wasn't.

"Why, don't you quit CJ? Come away with me. I've never seen you so unhappy."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because they saved me. They saved me from my self and my unhappiness. They helped me find myself again, the woman I always wanted to be. I don't trip anymore, you notice that? They saved me. I owe them." She paused. "By staying here I know I'll never be that woman again. I'll never let myself get--- " She took a pause and ran her fingers under her eye lids. "I'll never be that woman again. " She paused and reflected. "I must be the only woman who has only one regret in her life…and it's like a river. "

CJ looked at Danny and for a change she felt better. It was like by talking to him her regrets had been tossed down the Potomac like breadcrumbs. She just hoped the current wouldn't bring them back.


End file.
